Adapted from the Minnesota Coalition for Battered Women’s Lesbian Battering Manual
Here are some facts about domestic violence in lesbian relationships:
- It is a mistake to assume that all homosexual relationships are based on “femme” and “butch” pairings, or that an abusive lesbian or gay man must be the “masculine” one.
- A homosexual relationship can be just as physically violent as a male/female partnering can be.
- Hotline and domestic violence shelter staff can often unwittingly ostracize lesbians by automatically using “he” when referring to the batterer and not providing literature that includes information for battered lesbians.
Similarities
- No one deserves to be abused.
- Abuse can be physical, sexual, verbal behavior designed to coerce or humiliate, or emotional or psychological.
- Abuse can be lethal.
- The purpose of the abuse is to maintain control and power over one’s partner.
- The abused feels isolated, afraid, and usually convinced that the abuse was somehow her fault or could have been avoided if only she had known what to do.
Differences
- Homosexuals who have been abused have much more difficulty finding appropriate support than straight women.
- The myth prevails that homosexual abuse must be “mutual.” No one assumes straight abuse is mutual.
- Utilizing existing services is tantamount to “coming out” and is a major decision.
- Support services and friends often minimize lesbian violence for several reasons: because the lesbian community doesn’t want to destroy the myth of a “lesbian utopia”; because the lesbian movement doesn’t want to destroy their myth that “all violence is caused by men”; because it is easy to fall into the trap of assuming that the size of a person has anything to do with battering.
- To complain about homosexual abuse is to reinforce the stereotype that lesbians and gays are “sick.”
- Lesbians and gays have to face not only the sexist culture, but also homophobic ones as well. A woman of color faces sexism, homophobia, AND racism.
- Gay and lesbian communities are small and, in all likelihood, everyone the survivor knows will soon know of her or his abuse.